


Thinking past tomorrow

by Dubiousculturalartifact (222Ravens)



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: But also, Fluff and hugs, Gen, Suicidal Ideation, Team Bonding, co-captains Sara & Jax, mental health, post-Camelot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9889376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/222Ravens/pseuds/Dubiousculturalartifact
Summary: Are we gonna talk about what happened back there?' She says, because she doesn’t want to do this, but she’s the captain, and that means that she has to."~In which Ray Palmer's tendency to run towards danger, gets recognized for what it is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is a ficlet that got away from me. I just wanted a paragraph of Sara talking to Raymond after the episode, but nooOOOO. MORE FEELINGS.
> 
> Assume... Roughly after they got back on the ship, but probably just before Ray talks to Nate.
> 
> Note: it's not specifically mentioned, but when I write Ray Palmer, he is always autistic and, like basically everyone on the Waverider, has PTSD.

Sara finds Ray in the weapons' room, cataloguing Sir Galahad's sword.

  


"Are we gonna talk about what happened back there?" She says, because she doesn’t want to do this, but she’s the captain, and that means that she has to.

  


Ray turns around to smile at her, conspiratorially. "So you _did_ get that kiss? Good job! You know, the minute my brain made the connection, I mean, Lance..."

  


"I mean the fact that you stayed behind without the rest of us. When you knew it was a suicide mission. I’m worried about you."

  


His face slips. ”History isn’t set in stone. No pun intended, swords in stones and a... Look, I had no way of knowing for sure that future would remain..."

  


"Cut the crap, Ray. This isn’t the first time you’ve pulled something like this. A couple times is a coincidence, but this is a pattern. I'm being serious. ”

  


Ray gestures at her, pointing. ”So am I! I... Sir Galahad already died, when he shouldn't have. And... I couldn't leave them to die. I couldn’t let the Legion destroy all of that. What's the point of being a hero if you can't save people when they need it?"

  


"The point is surviving to fight another day. It's picking your battles, and recognizing when people will have your back, instead of just charging on alone!"

  


“That’s why I let you all leave, with the Spear. But. I couldn’t just… I couldn’t live with it. If I left that all behind. We all fight for different reasons, Sara. I need my ideals. I need to believe that I’m not giving up on any of my principles, and that I’m not letting myself just… Be helpless. Not when I can do something about it.” He says, his voice mulish, but quieter.

  


“And if it wouldn’t have made a difference? If you just would have died, along with the rest of them?”

  


“Then at least I died doing what I believe in.” He says, and it sounds uncertain. “There are a lot worse things.”

  


Sara folds her arms, hugging her body a little bit, before she speaks again. “I _have_ died. Twice, now. There's no glory in it. There’s nothing grand, or important. It's just ugly, and lonely, and terrible. And it doesn’t matter how much anyone misses you, or what mantles they take up in your memory, or what your legacy is. You're still gone."

  


That slows him a little, as he looks at her with something that she wants to call pity, but knows is closer to empathy.

  


“So what? If I don’t, and I get the team involved, and one of you dies in my place, again? How do I live with _that_?” His voice cracks.

  


Sara sighs, figuring out what part of this is about. “Snart made his own choices.”

  


Ray looks off, into the distance. “I know. Trust me, I know that he did. He was… He was maybe one of the only ones of us who could have made that claim, back then. And even though he was an asshole, I miss him a lot. But… He did that, for us. Because that’s what we wanted him to be. He never asked to be a hero.”

  


“Most of us didn’t.” Sara admits, softly, but her voice carrying the truth of it. “But we all are still here, anyway.”

  


“Sara’s right.” Jax says, materializing around the doorway.

  


“More of you? Is this an intervention?” Ray jokes, but it’s obvious that his heart isn’t in it.

  


Jax joins them in the room, unimpressed. “Look, man, I’m not gonna say I get it, exactly. I never wanted to be a part of this fight. I just wanted to keep my head down, because I’d lost enough already, and I didn’t want to get involved. But the point of this team is we keep each other together, because alone? We’d fall apart. Some more literally than others, maybe, in Grey’s case. But we all still need each other. So we remember what we’re fighting for.” He looks at Sara, pointedly, and she nods.

  


"Would you have stayed? If I didn’t do what I did?" Ray shoots back.

  


“Yeah. Maybe. If you’d talked to us about it. Because it wasn’t whether you did the right thing or not. The point is that isn't how being a team works. If we're going to make the wrong call, then help us make the right one. Don't just rush off on your own, because you think you can do it yourself, and you don't care who else gets hurt."

  


"You all needed to get the Spear to safety. None of the rest of you had to get hurt, that's the point."

  


"And losing you wouldn't hurt?" Sara points out.

  


That seems to stop Ray for a moment, his jaw working, his hands unusually still. "It would?"

  


"You're one of us. Of course it would."Jax says, and it hurts Sara a little, to see him realize that the answer is a surprise to Ray.

  


It seems to stop Ray, though. He slumps, the argument falling away. "You're right. I... I'm sorry. I've just felt… So lost, lately. Maybe for a long time, since before I joined up. I signed up thinking I’d find a way back from that. But you, the team? You're my anchor. I need to not lose sight of that. Because we’re… We’re fighting for our futures, as much as the pasts. And everything I saw in Camelot? The idea of fighting together, of everyone being part of something. Of honor, and heroism, and… It’s a story. It’s about the idea of the myth. That’s what I wanted to safeguard, but… That’s us, too. Maybe I get so stuck in the idea of what a _hero_ means, I forget that I’m supposed to be a Legend.”

  


They let the moment settle for a little longer, as Ray seems to be thinking over what he’s just said, and reaching up, to brush away a few tears.

  


“When it gets like this again? Talk to Gideon, if you can’t talk to any of us. She's got a therapy function built in." Sara smiles, crookedly. "It's not half bad."

  


"I..." Ray closes his mouth, then opens it again. “I will. And… Maybe meds again. They’ve helped before, when I’m not in a great place.”

  


“Whatever you need.” Sara says, without an ounce of judgement, and Jax looks satisfied.

  


“I… Would it be weird to ask for a hug, right now?” Ray asks, with a small voice.

  


Jax lets out a laugh, and takes a step forward. Sara takes a step back, involuntarily.

  


“Come on, Sara. Group hug. Team bonding exercise.”

  


She shrugs, in a long-suffering kind of way, but joins them, and really, it’s not so bad.

  


“I’m sorry.” Ray mumbles into their shoulders.

  


They both pull back.

  


“Don’t apologize.” Jax says, and claps him on the shoulder.

  


“Just care take of yourself, okay? We need you.” Sara says.

  


Ray nods, slowly, his eyes hard to read, but lighter than before.

  


They’re about to turn to leave, because Sara is just about reaching her quota of emotional output for one day, when Ray hesitates, then, “I… I’ve never really had a group of friends before. Not like you all.”

  


“You promise to make us all proud, then?” Jax jokes, his eyes twinkling.

  


Ray stands up, a little straighter. “I promise,” he says, and Sara is pretty sure he means it.

  



End file.
